- First, remember: What goes into your body shows up on your skin. This is important for a party. So be sure you force your guests to eat nothing but vegan and gluten-free foods. That way, your friends’ skin might clear up and you won’t have to look at their gigantic pores anymore.
- Second, stick with a carefree menu that you can whip together after taking a mere 3 days off work. Simply pick up some activated charcoal as garnish for your matcha cashew cheese-covered crostini. And don’t forget the ingredients for the 6-foot long tasting board with pickled mustard seed and edible flowers. Guests will thank you for elevating their palate.
- Er, actually, have a chef do all the work for you.
- And, by the way, tell the chef not everything needs to be complicated (not that anything before was complicated. It’s a laid-back party. I’m so laid back.) You can also have tiny bowls of matcha crystals, goji berries, and salted cocoa bark dispersed for your guests to nibble on as they wonder why the hell they came.
- Because you hired a chef, you can focus on drinks. But you better make them healthy. Serve a cocktail that contains bee mana, a powdered form of royal jelly extracted from beehives. It’s full of minerals and antioxidants that your slovenly friends are severely lacking.
- Take inspiration from Japan in your menu. In fact, go around the party telling people you are “half Japanese.” That will really make you seem more authentic.
- Now, on to decor. What is a casual dinner party without a constructed makeshift shrine that says something important about you as a person? It really isn’t hard. Just make sure it is grand, on-theme, and natural. If you spot a few ants on the stick you picked up from the woods to display, laugh and say, “They are welcome to our feast, too.”
- Do not rely on room perfume for the subtle scent you choose for the room. How toxic! Instead, burn incense. This will help convince people that you actually pray to Mother Gaia on the daily, like you have been insisting for years.
- Serving wine that is biodynamic or organic is not mandatory. If your guests are such bitches that they complain about clumps of sediment in their drinks, then fine. Serve poor people wine.
I hope this helps you plan your next carefree gathering. This advice is totally transferable to anywhere outside of Manhattan. Like, in Brooklyn. People in Brooklyn could also pull off a party like this.
Probably not in Queens, though. Or in those other middle states. I hear they do yoga with goats.
If you follow this advice, your friends are sure to smile to your face and then laugh hysterically as soon as they shut the doors of their gas-guzzling vehicles.
Until next time,