Am I the Only One Who Hates Going to Whole Foods?

This is a rhetorical question—my fiancée also hates going to Whole Foods. But seriously, do other people get annoyed? Whole Foods calls itself “America’s Healthiest Grocery Store.” Are there health benefits to smelling lavender and patchouli as you wander around searching for cage-free farm-to-table sun-warmed unbleached brown eggs? Must be.

But the prices. I know there’s that joke “Whole Paycheck,” but this is always said as if spending this money is inevitable. As in, “Yeah, it’s expensive, but that’s just how it is.”

No, that’s not just how it is.

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I spent over $6.00 on 6 tiny organic apples this weekend—and I don’t even think they were organic. They didn’t have stickers, and the woman at the register asked me whether they were organic. I said I had no idea, assuming she would do the courteous thing and undercharge me in case they weren’t.

Instead, I saw “ORG APP” flash up on the screen.

What the hell? Not ORG APP. Not ORG APP. Spending $1.00 per non-organic apple might not sound outrageous to city folk, but I come from the Midwest. My family would laugh at me if they heard that’s what I spent. They love the discount grocer, Aldi—and for anyone who hasn’t shopped at Aldi yet, give it a shot. It’s kind of great.

But then there’s the selection. If you’re looking for gluten free pie crust (which, actually, I was) or vegan cottage cheese (yum…), you’re probably set. But if you want a can of shitty Campbell’s tomato soup, like Joey did, you are screwed. Can’t the store carry a variety? Annie’s organic mac and cheese next to the Kraft kind? For people like me who want a bargain at times? Apparently not.

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The produce at Whole Foods (even the regular, non-organic stuff) is undeniably tastier than at other stores. This frustrates me. A few weeks ago I bought a basket of pears—and didn’t notice the price or I would have run out the door—that were the best pears I have ever eaten. So damned tangy. But they probably cost me $14.00.

This is the dilemma!

Maybe the only solution is to go to Whole Foods for the exceptional items—produce, yogurt, odd spices like arrowroot (if that even is a spice)—but avoid big shopping there. Has everyone else already figured this out? Probably. I’m usually about 8 years late to the game.

Do I hate Whole Foods because I don’t want to be associated with that kind of liberal East Coast elite? Yep, that’s part of it. But I complain and then go home and spray Whole Foods’ brand lavender oil on my pillow before I hop into bed. It smells nice and is soothing.

Call me a hypocrite.

Until next time,

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2 thoughts on “Am I the Only One Who Hates Going to Whole Foods?”

  1. My friend’s text from yesterday: “Dude you haven’t experienced life until you have seen 3 women fight over 1 apple pie at Whole Foods. Cookies falling on the floor, hair pulling.”

    God bless Whole Foods.

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